LET ME GRIEVE!!!!!
I have finally returned from out of state.I only came home because 1.My kids and 2.I can't stand My mom's family.they are nothing but trash and abusers.I stay away from everyone I'm not in their little cliques and the only time the whole family gets together is for deaths.pretty fucked up.fucking assholes.
so I get home on tues the 23rd only had an hr of sleep(sleep doesn't come easy these days)and tried to sleep but My fucking house phone was ringing off the hook.it's like fucking radar went off to My friends in the area that I'm back.I wasn't home an hr and My phone started ringing.and they just all decided to call me.it's like hey how about everyone leave Me the fuck alone until I feel like talking or being around ppl?
I broke one of My phones(thank hell I have 2 house phones 1 upstairs and 1 downstairs) because I pulled it out the wall and then smashed it to pieces.and then I call one of My friends who had been calling Me and I'm like WTF is so important???why are you calling me and why is so&so calling me????I fucking have had 1 hr of sleep and am trying to rest.and it was for something so not even important I am like What the fuck.you know ppl are selfish.they don't get ppl need to grieve.they just expect me to just bounce right back&jump into life.well excuse the fuck out of Me I am human for fucks sake!!
as some of you know I had to leave suddenly on sat 9/20(thanks Vive for taking Me&being there w/ Me!you were a lifesaver.didn't know how else I was gonna get out of state on such short notice) because Robbie My cousin who was shot in late july had died.he died on the 18th of sept,his cunt of a mom had him taken off the machines.his sis Jessie&cunt of a mom Karla didn't notify Me until the 20th and his wake was on the 21st.
R.I.P. ROBBIE.
I FUCKING KNEW IN MY SOUL WHEN HE DIED..I COULD FEEL IT.AND I HAD FUCKING ANXIETY ATTACKS ALL THRUS WHICH DIDN'T START UNTIL AFTER HE DIED. AND WAS IN PANIC MODE FRI&SAT UNTIL I GOT THE CALL.
My family is weird they had a wake on sun&the funreal on mon.most ppl either have a wake or funreal they had to do both.I don't even know how I dealt w/ seeing robbie's body not once but twice.morbid motherfuckers.
it was and still is hard dealing that Robbie is now dead.I saw his dead body I saw his coffin go in the ground I know he is really dead.It's just I dunno fucking hard to deal w/.it was always Me and robbie and charlie.and now I'm the only one left :(
it was also hard being away from My kids sat-tues.I have not been away from MY almost 2 year and a half old son for more then a day&a half.I have been away from My 8 y/o daughter for a few days before.(I will only let their dad or his mom watch them.noone else.I was an abused kid so were My cousins.I know ppl do fucked up shit to kids so noone else watches My kids!)she can handle it but My son could not.
I've not been away from him more then 48 hrs.I got home and he was stressed out sick.
his dad watched him but it just wasn't the same w/o Me.
I didn't take My kids w/ Me cuz i knew I'd just be a wreck and also i was staying w/ My cousin jessie and she didn't have much room to put ppl up.and there was no way in hell I was staying w/ robbie's mom.I have hated her since I was a kid because of the way she treated robbie.
it had always been Me,charlie and robbie and we'd try to protect each other.
we had fucked up childhoods and lives.it didn't change when we were adults even though we all 3 lived in different states we always got together and kept in touch in person not just via phone or net.
I was able to deal w/ My past when I was 18& still coping.I get it out w/ My art,charlie couldn't get past it and killed himself last sept :(
and now robbie is dead in sept of 08.he was a criminal and a gang leader and he was shot in late july.they went to operate on him and he slipped into a coma and NEVER woke up :( his cunt of a mother told the doctors to pull the plug.how do you do that to your own son????it had only been almost 2 mo's.ppl do wake up from coma's.I was in a coma yrs ago stemming from a car accident when one of My stalkers tried to kill Me.granted it wasn't like a month long coma or 2 mo thing but fuck how do you do that to your own kid?
I know My aunt karla is glad Robbie is dead and so is his father.that's the kind of fucked up cold hearted ppl they are.they'll get what's coming to them!
so I am worried about next sept!
it's like fuck am I next for sept of 09???
I have canceled all bookings because I can't focus.in late oct or early nov I'll get back to shooting.but for the mean time FUCK IT,FUCK IT ALL.
now it's ME&MY KIDS.the only blood to Me that I give a fuck about and love.
and to make matters worse when I got home tues afternoon My psycho BF is talking about how he wants to break up(ok you live in an amazing house in a great neighborhood and you have an open relationship how can it get better then that????)& he claims he wants to start a whole new life(you don't have that option when you got kids!!you can't just walk out their lives) and bitches me out cuz he had to watch the kids on sun and miss his race.he hasn't been to a live race in yrs and the boss was taking him and the other co-workers to some fucking race in deleware.it's like hey asshole there will be other races.whatever don't add to My fucking stress.and then he just walks out the door&goes to work.he didn't act much better when he came home.he is so god damned selfish.fuck him!
so I signed online today and discover for whatever reason My main image was deleted.IT DIDN'T VIOLATE ANY FUCKING MS RULES.for fucks sake it was a god damn headshot.so seriously WHAT THE FUCK CAN GO WRONG NEXT???
and a couple friends came over lastnight to try and cheer Me up.sorry didn't work but thanks for trying.I appreciate it.I know your intentions were good I'm just not ready to be around ppl yet.I can't sleep and I can't eat.I have lost 10 lbs in 4 days!I don't know how that's possible but stress&grief are a motherfucker I can tell you that.
and My other friends thanks so much for all your kind words(and space)
defintley thanks to HAYLO for your nice message.
oh yes and lastly let's not forget My other friends!i.e. the selfish assholes.FUCK OFF&LEAVE ME THE FUCKING HELL ALONE.I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT THAT'S SO NOT IMPORTANT.YOU NEED A REALITY CHECK.THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!GROW THE FUCK UP,LEAVE ME ALONE AND
LET ME GRIEVE FOR MY DEAD COUSIN!FUCK YOU&YOUR BULLSHIT.
every time I go thru a tragedy I find out who My real friends are.
so to My REAL friends&the lovely VIVE thanks so much for your kind words&space your giving Me!and VIVE thanks for being there for Me.it's so nice to know someone in My life cares about Me and isn't using Me.I am on the verge of a mental breakdown I swear.like the patrick bateman syndrome.
XXX
BLOODY KISSEZ
~MISTRESS PURGATORI~
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